Ask Dear Julian Anything!

Dear Julian advice show at swearnet.com

Our new Dear Julian advice show at swearnet.com was such a hit, we’re gonna make some more! Do you have a problem with relationships, money, work or anything else, and need Julian’s help? Post your question in the comments section below and Julian may be able to help!

If you take his advice, that’s fine. But if you don’t, he really doesn’t give a fuck.

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  55 comments for “Ask Dear Julian Anything!

  1. Ian
    October 13, 2015 at 11:48 am

    Dear Julian. I’m a healthy male with money, an excellent physique, good career and many willing lovers. I am afflicted with constant erections, and sometimes go dizzy through the imbalance of blood between my large penis and the rest of my body.

    I don’t have a problem with it, just wanted to say….

  2. Genevieve
    October 13, 2015 at 11:52 am

    Hi Julian. Is Robb single?

  3. FenayBeck
    October 13, 2015 at 11:58 am

    Dear Julian, please help. Somebody at work is stealing my stuff out of the fridge. Mostly my milk, but sometimes my butter to and they leave dirty fuckin crumbs in it!! How can I catch the bastard out and expose them as the dirty crumb leaving thief they are? I did consider pissing in the milk.

  4. October 13, 2015 at 12:01 pm

    Dear Jules, I’ve been trying to get out a lot more and do fun things; I stay busy with school and work all the time. I’m trying to build some self-esteem. Any advice would be greatly appreciated πŸ™‚

    • FenayBeck
      October 14, 2015 at 11:39 am

      Every morning when you wake up go to the mirror and look at yourself, say out loud “I am beautiful, I am a funny, intelligent and confident woman. When you’re out, stand tall, walk with purpose, let that beauty, intelligence and confidence radiate, smile and say hi to everyone you pass. Not everyone will smile or say hi back, but that’s OK. Maybe try some open Mike stand up, some will laugh with you and some at you, but that’s ok. Most importantly, love yourself xx

      • November 3, 2015 at 6:54 pm

        Awww thanks Beck :)))

  5. October 13, 2015 at 12:16 pm

    Dear Julian, I’m not sure how to go about this exactly. I recently went through a lot of fucked shit. my boyfriend was on herion, I lost my first job. and even when things started to look better , I found a better job my boyfriend has been clean. life still fucks me harder and harder. so what I’m saying is. maybe you could give me advice? I’m 21 years old so I’m still a pup, and you..ive seen you guys go through some shit. if you can’t find the shit to say to me it’s ok. I’m just fucked.

    • FenayBeck
      October 14, 2015 at 11:23 am

      Hey, Blaine, sounds like you’ve been through some shit, but you are still so young. Things will get better and you will find that, once you make it out the other side, you are a better stronger person. Remember, you are not fucked you are a fighter, you’ve made it this far so just keep going. Life can be a total cunt sometimes, but it can also be amazing. Keep fighting, homie xxx

      • November 12, 2015 at 10:21 pm

        hey man thanks! that helped me a lot. and what Julian said really put me in perspective. I’m very happy to have heard great advice. thank you so much!

  6. julie
    October 13, 2015 at 12:27 pm

    Dear !! Julian, we have this really pesky of a dick hole dog that lives next door, i know you and Ricky use to be in business, removing asshole pets, and was wounder whats some good tips on removing these pets from the neighborhood??

  7. Amanda
    October 13, 2015 at 1:01 pm

    Dear Julian, what can I do about assholes that drive their shitty loud cars down my road when I’m trying to sleep at night.

    • FenayBeck
      October 13, 2015 at 3:54 pm

      Screw. Just a handful every night.

      • FenayBeck
        October 13, 2015 at 3:58 pm

        That’s should say ‘screws’!

        • garden ho
          October 13, 2015 at 4:29 pm

          Roofing tacks work nicely too πŸ˜‰

          • FenayBeck
            October 14, 2015 at 11:13 am

            Yes, they certainly do!

      • November 4, 2015 at 1:16 am

        Or she could screw a handful of guys every-night,that would make her sleep deeper..

  8. Bradley
    October 13, 2015 at 1:09 pm

    Dear Julian, what’s your bench?

    Not really a problem, just thought the world, especially Jim Lahey, would love to know how much you can bench.

  9. michelle
    October 13, 2015 at 2:33 pm

    Dear Julian,

    How do I get out of the friend zone with a guy? My attempts at flirting keep are received as playful fun and his best buddy.

    Any advice would be greatly appreciated πŸ™‚

    • FenayBeck
      October 14, 2015 at 11:43 am

      Dude, we’re you drunk when you typed this lol?! Seriously though, just tell him you wanna bang x

  10. Lisa
    October 13, 2015 at 3:23 pm

    Dear Julian…I don’t want to play ‘office’ anymore. I want an exciting career that pays well where I don’t have to take shit from useless assholes who make more than I do but are fucking dead from the neck up! What advice can you give a girl who needs an change without taking a nasty pay cut or spending thousands at school? (or stripping/hooking)

    • FenayBeck
      October 13, 2015 at 3:56 pm

      I’m glad you got that last bit in lol!

      • Lisa
        October 13, 2015 at 4:03 pm

        I know better πŸ˜‰

        • FenayBeck
          October 14, 2015 at 2:18 am

          We also know Julian too well, too lol!

  11. Heather
    October 13, 2015 at 3:33 pm

    Dear Julian: when you were in the Swearnet studio, did you notice if JP returned a broom he “borrowed?”

    Suggestion: You could make some extra money buying cheap brooms & cleaning supplies and sell them back to Swearnet at an up charge. Greasy!

  12. Heather
    October 13, 2015 at 3:46 pm

    Part #2 because I forgot the hashtag the Sweararmy created, due to our concern about the whereabouts of the broom. #findthebroom

    Not a question, just a suggestion. (The broom should start showing up randomly in shows for Swearnet. Propped in a corner during the Podcast, wearing Edith’s hat and propped against the organ during Ricky Brown, etc. it would be a hilarious “Easter egg” for those of us really concerned about the whereabouts of the broom.)

    • FenayBeck
      October 13, 2015 at 3:56 pm

      #findthebroom #findthebroom

  13. michelle
    October 13, 2015 at 4:39 pm

    Dear Julian,
    It seems lately, all the guys I want to or could bang are married or in serious relationships. The guy always says, hey yeah lets bang. But I say no because I do not want to seem as a whore. But they are sexy, so should I just bang for bang sake or hold to my ethics of not being a whorey slut.
    πŸ˜› Thank you for any advice you can give.

    • FenayBeck
      October 14, 2015 at 2:19 am

      As long as there’s no kids involved, just bang. Everyone needs some now and then x

  14. Mikey Philthyskanky
    October 14, 2015 at 1:34 am

    Dear Fucking Julian!! I live in a very industrial town full of temp offices, when I manage to pick up work (on the street corner!) after a while the work slows down. Should I pack up and try my luck elsewhere in the land of Canada? or should I give up male prostitution and go to college to be a fucking something like maybe a Dr. Skanky with a Phd??? thanks give me some advice. But if you don’t, I really don’t give a fuck.

    • FenayBeck
      October 14, 2015 at 2:22 am

      Dude, get a part time/home study degree going and you will still have enough time to hook on the side. Earning money while getting your brain learnt, two birds stoned at once ; ]

      • Heather
        October 14, 2015 at 8:49 am

        Lol, Beck, you might have to start assisting Dear Julian! πŸ™‚

        • FenayBeck
          October 14, 2015 at 11:15 am

          Just helping out my wonderful swear family! But yer, if there’s a job going I’ll take it.

  15. Claudine
    October 14, 2015 at 11:04 pm

    Dear Julian (ya irresistible hunk). I have always attracted and been attracted to the bad boy type. I’m getting a little too old for that crap now and am wondering if you would give some pointers on how to an gal could attract a nice guy. Thx :-)/

    • Savannahpaige
      March 9, 2016 at 2:43 am

      U could always go for a feminine boy..? i am told im beautiful by men and women both in person constantly but.. i like girls! and have a rather large cock! lol sorry i saw ur call on the pod cast an thought u sounded so cute! so i had to hit on u!!!!! p.s. i can be a bad girl-boy when i need to be to.. only thing worse for a man then getting beat the fuck up by a girl? getting beat the fuck up by a dude in a dress!!! hehe d=
      good luck sweetheart! u need it with these dudes my girl friends date anymore! /=

  16. October 16, 2015 at 12:00 pm

    Dear Julian-

    I started a business, kinda greasy, but it’s doing alright, and now have a fucking clueless guy who doesn’t know shit about business as my colleague. I’m going to be meeting with some people to get some start-up money to finance a bigger set-up, but i want this cocksucker out of the way. I can’t really fire him as he invested some cash in the business and also always knows where to get the good stuff. Any suggestions on how to get this weasel out of the picture? Thanks, man.

  17. October 16, 2015 at 1:10 pm

    PS the business an export business, remarketing exotic dancer wear to other countries.

  18. Aidan
    October 20, 2015 at 3:21 pm

    Dear Julian

    did you vote and if so who did you vote for ? And if you don’t vote why don’t you vote ?

  19. Heather Pasewald
    October 27, 2015 at 2:33 pm

    Dear Jules-

    I need some advice, my heart is so big, it absorbs everything like a sponge, and I take on everyone else’s issues as my own. It can get overwhelming at times. Any advice on how to toughen the fuck up? πŸ™‚

    Thanks!

  20. Tannis McNabb
    November 4, 2015 at 1:11 am

    Dear Julian,

    I’m going to university, and as of late it’s been really tough. I’m losing money and classes are pretty fuckin’ boring. My roommates and I are considering dropping out and prostituting ourselves instead of school. Should we keep at it, or should we at least make a little money being ladies of the evening?

  21. Dale Furno
    November 21, 2015 at 6:37 pm

    Dear Julian,

    I need some advice about my wife, I am 32, she is 31 and we have been married for 11 years. Well, recently she started noticing some of her hair is turning grey. She is still hot, but I am wondering if I should trade her in for a chick that is younger before it is too late. Please Help! ~Dale in Maine.

  22. Rick
    January 2, 2016 at 1:41 am

    Julian how in the FUCK can I get a bottle of Liquor Men’s to Texas?

  23. February 7, 2016 at 3:46 pm

    Dear Julian,

    You a Sativa or Indica Kinda Guy and Whats Your Favorite Strain Of Weed ?

    fuck of ive got work to do

  24. Pat
    February 11, 2016 at 11:55 am

    Dear Julian,

    Who should I vote for, for President?

  25. Katie
    February 13, 2016 at 12:29 am

    Dear Julian,

    I recently went out to the bar with some single guy friends, One of them got really drunk and started grinding and making out with a really ugly chick that I know he would never hook up with if he was sober. I wasn’t sure if I should just let him enjoy his drunk fun or save him from his beer goggles. What would you do?

  26. Pamela
    February 15, 2016 at 7:18 pm

    Dear Julian,

    hey man whats up, I’m 19. So, its wierd being an adult now, so I’m starting college soon, so I have something to do.
    Heres the thing, man. I hate smoking pot. It makes me nervous and people think I’m fucking insane, so I ruin everyone elses high.
    I hate drinking. Which isnt a bad thing. I hate doing everything. I even hate taking Tylenol. I have no friends.
    Do you think I’m going to be as lonely as I was in highschool for college? I just can’t get into that shit. Help me with some tips to have a good time
    if I ever decide to party up with any new friends, and how do I just stop being such a buzzkill? thanks man, be as brutal as you can.

    • a
      July 5, 2016 at 12:11 am

      jesus christ this is my story right there

  27. Savannahpaige
    March 9, 2016 at 2:32 am

    Dear Julian, i always steal the cute girls at the bars and clubs and make the men jealous, and although i am a clearly a girl in person, i still have my boy parts down stairs.. and i have a hard time hiding my voice! Last time i was at the bar with a close friend i stood up to a guy who wouldn’t leave her alone and was being a greasy fuck pig! Well i broke my hand on his face.. So i just quit going out, as i am tired of fighting. Any advice on how to avoid fighting jealous men who are mad cause i look better than any girl they will ever get, and still take the real female home at the end of the night? Im a musician and only 23 so i wanna drink! But its hard to play guitar with fucked up hands!!! Plz hook a brista (Sister/bro) up with some wise trailer park livin’ knowledge? ]=

  28. Carrie
    May 27, 2016 at 5:17 pm

    Dear Blulian,
    What sort of qualities do you find attractive in women? Not a floozy, the sort of girl you’d want to date and get serious with.

    Unrelated question: What’s your favorite type of food? (italian, mexican, whatever)

  29. May 27, 2016 at 9:33 pm

    Didn’t know how to get in touch with anyone but I had a funny idea for next season. It has to do with fucktard Randy. In an episode y’all should make Randy have a skin cancer scare in which he has to start covering himself in really thick sunscreen during the summer episodes. Don’t know if y’all will like the idea but I thought it would be pretty funny when ever him and Ricky lock up. Anyways take it easy fuckers and rock on Bubs

  30. Matt McCammon
    June 22, 2016 at 8:29 pm

    Dear Julian, i need some fucking advise. You see ive always loved smoking dope. Who doesnt. But i’m moving to do some oil drilling to make some serious cash. So how do i get my fucking self throught this job with no dope? or is synthetic piss worth the shot?

  31. Johnny_Utah
    June 23, 2016 at 10:21 am

    Dear Julian,
    What would you do if you were in love with an addict? Everyone says leave her alone, but I can’t,, I have been clean for 6 months (besides booze) but I don’t feel I can just leave her behind. I know it’s fucked but what do you suggest?

  32. Nick Long
    December 4, 2016 at 6:54 am

    Dear Julian,

    I work at a shop that paints guitars, which I fucking love, and my plan is to eventually start my own side business building them. The fucking problem is that I barely make enough to pay for bills and shit, I can’t even afford to pay for weed.. fuck.. and if I was to try to get a different job I would start out making less than I do now. Other than theft under a thousand, how do I go about getting money for tools and shit?

    P.s. If Bubs ever needs a guitar painted or built, I’m the man to call.

    Take it easy, Dirty Dancer

  33. Johnny_Utah
    December 9, 2016 at 1:38 pm

    Dear Julian,
    A while back I took your advice and started dating a stripper, everything was rosy for a while but now its FUCKED! Turns out she is bat shit crazy, (slashing my tires, fist fighting me, sticking a BOWIE knife in my front door!!) I desperately need your advice on an exit strategy. P.S. You could be saving my life here bud.

    Please Help

  34. Chris Dougherty
    January 26, 2017 at 8:40 am

    liquormen’s ol dirty canadian whiskey needs to come to Columbus Ohio us OR AT LEAST MAKE IT TO WHERE I CAN ORDER IT ONLINE

  35. Wolfman Wolfson
    March 16, 2017 at 3:25 am

    Dear Julian,
    How the fuck are you doing? I recently fell in love with a girl who has been really nice and caring to me. She would give me energy bars when she finds out that I didn’t eat anything for breakfast, and she would massage my back when I’m feeling down and uncomfortable. And she seems to get really happy when I sing. But the thing is we are not close friends, and we don’t have a chance to see each other as often. I’m not sure if she has the “feelings” for me. Is she just being nice? What the hell should I do to make her fall in love with me?

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