DEAR JULIAN: Send Us Your Goddamn Problems!

Get Julian's advice!

Julian’s ready to pour a few drinks and share some advice on an upcoming edition of Dear Julian.  Having trouble in your relationship?  Planning a grocery store robbery to get food for your friend’s wedding and need help with logistics?  You have problems, Julian has solutions.

Post your problems in the comment section below.  If you use his advice, that’s fine.  If you don’t, he really doesn’t give a fuck.

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  45 comments for “DEAR JULIAN: Send Us Your Goddamn Problems!

  1. Bubblewhack
    July 13, 2016 at 10:55 am

    Dear Julian,

    Ive been trying to get in shape the last while but every morning I wake up and get baked. It really demotivates me from pushing up my 230 lb cheeseburger frame or running it to even near peak levels. Any advice on how to get motivated to get the most from my workout?

    • July 13, 2016 at 2:49 pm

      1.) Tie a cheeseburger to a string.
      2.) Tie that string to a stick.
      3.) Mount the stick to a treadmill.
      4.) Turn the treadmill on.
      5.) Run for your life to that cheeseburger lovin’.
      6.) Smoke dope without getting fatter.

      #yourewelcome

    • Alex
      August 2, 2016 at 11:54 am

      Getting baked is not your problem. I lost 50 pounds a couple summers back and took multiple dabs before my trips to the gym. You just have to channel your stoned-ness into focusing on moving that body. Fuck thinking about anything, just move your body, and do what feels right.

  2. July 13, 2016 at 11:00 am

    Dear Julian
    What tips do you have for a beginner who just started working out within over a month. I’m enjoying it, and I’m already seeing improvements but how do I lose the weight even faster?

    • Alex
      August 2, 2016 at 11:52 am

      60% diet, 40% exercise. Diet is everything! Won’t see results if you keep pounding the liquor and cheeseburgers in ya.

  3. Ragin_Cajun
    July 13, 2016 at 11:00 am

    Dear Julian, I’m at the beginning of a divorce. My husband and I are more like best friends and just not meant to be married. I spent 8 years never being a priority, but still kept some hope that maybe he really loved me. Should I try staying single for a while, or stop panicking when a guy even looks my way and go on a date? Thanks bud 🙂

  4. jonzen420
    July 13, 2016 at 11:12 am

    My wife was diagnosed with Stage 4 Colon Cancer 3 months ago

  5. July 13, 2016 at 11:17 am

    Dear Julian, how do you stay all fit and sexy while drinking every day? I’ve tried drinking all day and working out but I end up looking facked like Lahey. What’s your secret? Please help me, I don’t want to end up a drunk fuck like Jim Lahey.

  6. john
    July 13, 2016 at 11:33 am

    dear Julian
    i used to live in a fucking war zone i’m now a refugee with my mother and sister.
    as a refugee its illegal to work nor open a business if i don’t have a decent capital “half a million dollar”
    my father passed away our savings almost ran out so I’m supposed to support my family what should i do?

  7. Mikey PhilthySkanky
    July 13, 2016 at 1:18 pm

    Dear Julian, I can’t stop urinating the bed. it’s a problem I’ve had for as long as I can remember. Now every time I have hookers spend the night, I accidentally piss all over them, and they often just belligerently leave without receiving payment. I’m wondering if you have any advice to stop this bed-wetting problem.
    Thanks in advanced, Mikey PhilthySkanky.

  8. July 13, 2016 at 1:39 pm

    Dear Julian. it’s me again. This time writing from the inside on a smuggled phone. It’s been three days time. I heard you were helping people with problems. So I had to shank a bitch for the minutes. I hope this makes it to the outside. I didn’t know who else to ask. When I walked to the car the other day to get my weed, that was left in there overnight, I locked the keys in the car without realizing it. Went back in the house and shut the door. It’s now three days later I don’t know what to do. I can’t get my door knobs to turn. I’m stuck in the house! Bars on the windows so that’s a no go. Fuck man. The doors usually open when I push the button on my key ring. What the fuck do I do now? My wife’s mad at me too. I pulled her pants down and stole her phone.

  9. Martyorange
    July 13, 2016 at 1:59 pm

    Dear Julian, my wife is retiring from work after 30 some odd years. That means she will be around all the time. How do I deal with all this togetherness at once? HELP

  10. Ashley Rotchford
    July 13, 2016 at 2:12 pm

    Dear Julien im a huge fan of you and The Trailer Park boy’s ied love to meet you you guys are comeing to St John’s Newfoundland at mile one in December.I dont have the money to see your show on a budget thing . Hopefully ill get some some time to see you guys or you be going around and ill see you.But thats not the question I had a falling out lost my friendship with a good friend should I move on or should I try to fix it.I wanted to be with him and all and I thought you cool guys be able to help what should I do move on or fix it? Dont want to move on but what am I to do he dont talk to me or any thing.But it hurts we were good friends ps we both were huge fans of you guys he might go see you when your inSt John’s Newfoundland withhis mom.But we were so good together as friends maybe more who knows I dont now:(.We were the town vershion of you guys he Ricky and he said I was like Bubbleslol for fun.

  11. Tina T
    July 13, 2016 at 2:32 pm

    Dear Julian,

    Being a lady who loves whiskey, smoking up, video games, fucked up animation and getting my pipes cleaned seems to attract the wrong dudes to my honey maker. I’m picky about who plows me, I gotta actually dig the guy. How do I let fuckers know that if we get together, it will be a really good time, but I don’t put out a nice spread for every dick that crosses my path?

  12. July 13, 2016 at 2:33 pm

    Dear Julian,
    I have always wondered how you can drink all day long and never slur your words or trip over your own feet. What’s your secret?

    <3 carissa lynn

    P.s. At least now we finally know where all of Captain Jack Sparrows run has gone… into your glass 😉

    • July 13, 2016 at 8:14 pm

      Yeah… that was supposed to say rum, not run.
      Fuck.

  13. Larry Donovan
    July 13, 2016 at 3:10 pm

    Dear Julian,
    I just found out that my girlfriend has a HUGE crush on you. It’s very upsetting because I look absolutely nothing like you, and our personalities are completely different.
    My physique is like a pencil. Some say I’m wimpy. I’m sure they all do behind my back. And I’m a timid coward. Lightning frightens me, insects freak me out, I avoid talking to people, and I run away at the least sign of confrontation.
    I’m beginning to think my girlfriend is with me out of pity. Should I let her go to pursue a real man like yourself?

  14. dick dogfood
    July 13, 2016 at 4:02 pm

    Dear Julian,
    I hate being dicked over for even the smallest amount of money and because the golden rule is a good thing to live by, I also hate pirating media, especially work produced by people outside the usual system of mainstream entertainment. However, Swearnet is beyond lame. New content is rarely uploaded and lately they have been stretching one “AMFA” out into three 3-minute long segments, each uploaded separately on different days. The mods on the site don’t provide solid dates or even ballpark ideas of when anticipated content will be uploaded. It’s been like this for years and the mods are snotty about it, as if it’s the subscribers’ fault that the writers are supposedly busy or there was too much stuff going on for them to be bothere to upload anything. Excuses aren’t content, and the writers don’t operate Swearnet. Basically, I hate being lied to and treated as if my money is only good when you want it, and that it’s just a paltry sum not worthy of delivering actual content once you have it. BAD BUSINESS. Should I just pirate this shit instead?

    • July 13, 2016 at 8:13 pm

      Yes, you should pirate it. You should also leave your full name, address, and phone number so somebody can arrest your whiney ass.
      Ai yi yi.
      If you dont like swearnet, then don’t buy it.
      Simple as that.

      • dick dogfood
        July 13, 2016 at 9:16 pm

        Too late. And my “whiny ass” is not whiny – I am grossly disappointed by the lack of content and the frequently subpar content that is posted. I don’t tell you to shut the fuck up about your persevering fandom – where the fuck do you get off telling me to do anything? If you don’t want to read what I’ve written, don’t. It’s very simple, even if you are so very tired from all that scrolling.

        • Star Ydoyoucare
          July 14, 2016 at 2:35 am

          Totally that’s why there’s a reply option. Sounds like you could take your own advice, a d if you don’t like something move on. If you had an issue with content vs. Price then maybe you could be a bit less whiny (yes it comes across mad whiny, and bitchy) and send a polite message asking for more content. Remember Honey oil catches more stoners than piss. Just a thought.

      • Tina T
        July 14, 2016 at 2:36 am

        Girl I have been down this road with her before! I’ve said the exact same things to her and been told I was being rude. She’s, evidently, being polite by continually taking the piss out of Swearnet for not doing as she pleases, but I’m rude for telling her that her complaints are getting tired and she can cancel her subscription if she’s dissatisfied with the service. Complaints still rage on not only in comments, but a fucking AMFA and now in a Dear Julian. That is lame.

    • dick dogfood
      July 13, 2016 at 9:13 pm

      P.S. How many pennies can you fit in your dickhole?

  15. Carolyn B
    July 13, 2016 at 6:37 pm

    Dear Julian……I am madly in love with a certain drunk bisexual trailer park supervisor, but he only seems to have eyes for you. I dyed my hair black, bought a strap-on, and am getting HUGE at the gym, slamming Muscle Milk and HGH. I even picked up a dozen black t-shirts from Army Surpluss. What else do you think I should be doing to get him to notice me? P.S. What kind of shampoo do you use, I have to ask?

    • July 13, 2016 at 8:10 pm

      He doesn’t want a chick that looks like a dude. He wants a dude that looks like a dude or a chick that looks like a chick.
      See: Randy
      See Also: Barb

  16. July 13, 2016 at 6:45 pm

    Dear Julian, my dog keeps telling me to fuck off. What should I do?

    • July 13, 2016 at 8:08 pm

      You should probably fuck off.

  17. Tommy
    July 13, 2016 at 8:24 pm

    Dear Julian,
    I used to watch Trailer Park Boys every night. Especially right before bed. Well, now we moved and fucking AT&T keeps tell me I can’t get dsl out here which I can , its just there bandwidth is maxed out. I miss your guys show so fucking bad. I don’t know what to do. Hope these cock suckers come through on the internet soon. You guys keep up the good work!
    Your fan in Missouri, Tommy D

  18. americancer
    July 13, 2016 at 8:55 pm

    dear Julian –
    has bubbles ever punched you in the face for being a dick

  19. Sp00ky
    July 13, 2016 at 10:08 pm

    Dear Julian,
    My room mate needs a new job. His job now sucks ass. He needs your advice on some greasy jobs to get by for a while. What should he do?

  20. Keshia Nowden
    July 14, 2016 at 5:17 pm

    Hey Julian, do you ever get tired of answering these fucked questions? I think a lot of times these dicks ask you just so they see you get fucking angry!

    I’m sure this won’t get answered…. I just want to know.

  21. Patrick Fitzmorris
    July 16, 2016 at 4:25 pm

    Hey Julian little do you know were hometown buddies Cole harbour for life just wondering what kind of workout plan you use to get your body the way it is

  22. davidreidy
    July 17, 2016 at 4:45 pm

    Julian,the show could use a few more sluts as regular personalities on the Trailer Park Boys. Sluts can be fun.

  23. Danielle
    July 18, 2016 at 11:29 pm

    Dear Julian,

    I just graduated college and I don’t really know what to do with my life right now. Any suggestions?

    Thanks:)

  24. greasy bastard
    July 22, 2016 at 1:30 pm

    my truck has had the 4th engine blow up on me. I would be honored if you can burn that dirty cocksucker to the ground in one of your episodes. I would love to toast marshmallows over the flaming shitbox with you greasy fucks.

  25. Jason Goods
    July 28, 2016 at 2:12 am

    Dear Julian,

    My ex girlfriend is a hot Columbian girl and she bangs like no girl I have ever met. Last time I banged her we had to get a restraining order against her boyfriend who she lives with because he has a tiny dick. I know that’s fucked but she’s the best bang I’ve ever had, is it worth the bullshit or am I just being a pussy and should I just say fuck it?

    Jason Goods

  26. Irish Lad
    August 4, 2016 at 8:50 pm

    Dear Julian, my girlfriend has this fucking tiny dog who follows her every fucking second. Everytime I sleepover the cocksucker climbs in bed with us and won’t EVER fuck off and leave us alone. She doesn’t care and treats the dog like a fucking kid.She sleeps with it every night. What’s my best course of action?

  27. Badfish90
    August 12, 2016 at 2:39 pm

    Dear Julian,

    I’m a young lady who tries to go to work and do the goddamned job. Unfortunately, other bitches in the office deliberately make it difficult for me to get shit done and treat me like crap when they’re on their periods. All at the same time, every month, they turn into fucking cunts. How should I handle this?

  28. Nicole N'Dime
    August 14, 2016 at 10:09 pm

    Dear Julian,
    My man, Righty, wants me to get a sex toy. I told him he’s all I need but he keeps saying I should get one. What should I do?

  29. Nick Brings
    March 6, 2017 at 5:39 pm

    Dear Julian,
    How do you feel about Lahey loving you dirty dancer muscles.

    sincerely, Nick

  30. joel andrews
    March 14, 2017 at 1:38 pm

    DEAR BUBBLES !
    if i send you a puppet named percibald conky the second ( tells me hes related to a friend of yours )
    where should i send him too ? hes very eager to meet ricky !

  31. Josh S.
    May 9, 2017 at 5:03 am

    Dear Julian,
    I live in Mississippi, USA. I’m a software developer, and a fucking good one at that. The issue is, being from Mississippi, I have a huge southern accent. I feel like getting a job elsewhere in the country, or world, will be difficult due to preconceived notions of my intelligence. How fucked is that?! Being a Canadian, what are your thoughts on accents straight out of Forest Gump? Am I stuck forever or could I move there and be accepted as an equal?
    Thanks,
    Home of the Blues! ; )

  32. Royce
    May 9, 2017 at 2:29 pm

    Dear Julian,

    I was lookin’ at stuff on the worldy pipe last night and stumbled across an ancient video of L. Ron Hubbards son blasting his enstranged (enstranged is a word for Ricky) father on some old T.V. show and it occured to me that he looks like BUBBLES!!!!!!!!! Is Bubbles into Scientology? Because if he is that would explain an awful lot. Well, i dont imagine you dick benders will even ever read this …..but just in case you do…..F off, ive got work to do. Later skater.

  33. Aleksandra
    May 9, 2017 at 5:12 pm

    Dear Julian,
    I’m a woman in her early 20s, i have always only been Sexually interested only in older men (about 40s-50s)
    and the men have always what many people consider to have alcohol or dope problems to me its not a problem.
    i always think love me as who i’m or dont, dont try to change a man, but i’m always going to help if they want it.
    my friends dont like this and want me to take normal men or ”men” my age because those guys i take always treat me like shit or hurt me in the long run. so what should i do? i cant help who i’m interested in but its also not nice to get fucked over everytime.

  34. DARLENE
    June 27, 2017 at 1:16 am

    dear Julian, I been married 26 yrs any ideas on how to keep lines of communication open ……

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