DEAR JULIAN: Send Us Your Fucking Problems!

Get Julian's advice!

The SwearNet studio dicks picked up a bottle of rum, a bit of mix, and the ice is in the freezer.  We’re bringing Julian back in for another round of Dear Julian, and we need your fucking questions!

Write your problems in the comment section of this blog post and we’ll choose the best ones and send them to the Muscles.  If you use his advice, that’s fine. But if you don’t, he really doesn’t give a fuck.

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  46 comments for “DEAR JULIAN: Send Us Your Fucking Problems!

  1. October 4, 2016 at 2:12 pm

    Dear Julian, you seem to be fucking good with women. what tips do you have for dating, I sometimes feel like Corey and Jacob when it comes to asking someone out, what’s the best way to ask someone out from your experience?

  2. October 4, 2016 at 2:21 pm

    Dear Julian,

    I have a natural leadership personality–I cut through the bullshit to get things fucking done. Problem is, I’ve worked for a lot of whiners, assholes and idiots who get intimidated when I solve problems while they’re scratching their asses.

    How do I not piss them off, but not turn into useless slugs like they are?

    • October 4, 2016 at 7:53 pm

      look them all straight in the eye in a group and say
      “fuck you, fuck you, your cool, fuck you and fuck everybody else here”

      • Tina T
        October 5, 2016 at 2:55 am

        Then, you already know my deepest fantasy! And I’d raise my middle fingers so high, I’d need surgery afterwrds.

  3. Buck Master
    October 4, 2016 at 2:59 pm

    Dear Julian,
    What is your best memory of tripping balls on mushrooms or acid? and what do you think of this salvia bullshit, I’ve tried it myself and was drooling all over my lap and thought my friends head was replaced with sticks.

  4. Mikey PhilthySkanky
    October 4, 2016 at 3:52 pm

    Dear Julian, every day I wake up to get out of bed, I piss myself in my sleep. My friends and family won’t let me crash at their crib anymore because I piss on their couch. Women get all bitchy when I accidentally piss all over them at night. It is a problem I have never grown out of since I was born’t. I am nearly 30 years old now. How do I stop myself from pissing the bed and putting my bed wetting habit to rest once and for all?

    • October 4, 2016 at 7:52 pm

      Mikey it’s simple, wear like a wet suit style boxers and hope it doesn’t seep through

    • Tina T
      October 5, 2016 at 2:57 am

      Nocturnal pissing and constant raging boners might not be unrelated…

  5. michelle
    October 4, 2016 at 3:57 pm

    Dear Julian,

    I love my rum and coke however I am wondering if coke or diet coke are more healthy. Coke has corn syrup and diet has aspartame or sucralose sweetener. Of course neither is healthy, but which would you think is better for keeping fit?

    Cheers,
    Michelle

    • Julian
      October 14, 2016 at 12:35 pm

      Look, rum is made out of fermented sugar cane molasses, and you’re worried about taking in a little more sugar? Cripes! Straight coke. Anything else is heresy.

  6. Convicted
    October 4, 2016 at 3:59 pm

    Dear Julian, for the last 25yrs I have worked for rich city pricks with the task of rebuilding their run down farms and turning them in to profitable working farms,

    For the last yr now the the missus has been hounding me to sell up and invest in my own Farm and become the land owner I’ve dreamed of being, but we’re talking about MASSIVE gamble by investing every penny I own into my own Farm, should I go for it or stay with the little small holding I already have??

    • Julian
      October 14, 2016 at 12:38 pm

      Convicted, do like Ricky and I do. Just one more job, low risk, we’ll make a lot of money, and then we can retire. It’s that simple.

  7. Mikey PhilthySkanky
    October 4, 2016 at 4:05 pm

    Dear Julian, I’ve been hearing my friends talking about these strange “conspiracy theories ” about how the earth is flat, and how the Queen is a Nazi-war funding shapeshifting Reptilian alien overlord. I am very concerned for my friends mental well-being and because of so I feel like they may have self-radicalized themselves and become islamic extremist. Should I turn them in to the local authorites on accounts of suspicion?? Or should I try and stop them myself?

    • October 4, 2016 at 7:50 pm

      lol i hope to hell he answers that my friend hahahahaha

      • Mikey PhilthySkanky
        October 4, 2016 at 10:23 pm

        What’s even worst, is that one of them dyes their hair and I think they are really a GINGER.

    • Julian
      October 14, 2016 at 12:33 pm

      Miley, fuck off. Live and let live.

  8. elnifty
    October 4, 2016 at 4:47 pm

    Dear Julian,

    The stupidity that surrounds me daily is really getting on my nerves and I know you have experience dealing with dumb motherfuckers. How do you maintain your composure and not crack their fucking skulls? Thanks.

    • Tina T
      October 5, 2016 at 3:00 am

      Spark up and empty that rum bottle! It’s all about moderation, so balance your weed and liquor with the other food groups. #TheHealthyLife

  9. John Velez
    October 4, 2016 at 5:37 pm

    Dear Julian, I have a ‘man’ question for you. I’m an older gentleman and along with getting up five times a night to pee, my nuts are hang so low these days that when I take a dump they dangle in the toilet water. I can’t shit standing up. It’s a real problem, what can I do? Seran Wrap?

    • Julian
      October 14, 2016 at 12:32 pm

      Well, john, trannies are very popular right now….

  10. HonkyGeorge
    October 4, 2016 at 5:47 pm

    Dear Julian, my love of getting high and playing space has transitioned into a full blown desire to join NASA. Unfortunately, they frown upon weed and college dropouts. Schools can fuck off, and I’m just as good at rocket math as the rest of them. What sort of fuckary should I do to get into space?

    • Julian
      October 14, 2016 at 12:31 pm

      I recommend mushrooms. Lots of mushrooms.

  11. October 4, 2016 at 7:49 pm

    Dear Julian….. When will you ever do a drunk news interview? it’s 1 of the most popular fan zone shows on swearnet, lots of cool people do that show including Big Joe your guys jewelry partner and thanks again for answering my professional wrestling question on dear julian a few episodes ago

  12. October 4, 2016 at 7:56 pm

    Dear Julian,
    it’s about my cock. I keep it in my pants. But i’m married, so sometimes my wife takes it with her. On the rare occasion I need use it, it’s never there. If one of your girl friends tried to take your cock when they go. What would you do to keep it on hand?

    • October 4, 2016 at 9:46 pm

      I can’t imagine all the bullshit questions you gotta deal with on a daily basis. What kind of control do you have? Do you overcome the stressful situations you encounter? Or do you just knock people out for fun?

      • Tina T
        October 5, 2016 at 3:01 am

        He knocks people UP for fun! How do you think Trinity got here? Hey-yo!

    • Tina T
      October 5, 2016 at 3:03 am

      Are you complaining about your lady using your dick? Come on, it’s in good hands. She’s probably already hooked some batteries up to it.

  13. Jeff C
    October 5, 2016 at 1:21 am

    Dear Julian,
    Are hockey fights a good way to learn self-defense?

  14. Too Many Dicks
    October 5, 2016 at 5:16 am

    Dear Julian

    I recently started dating again after a self-imposed dry spell, and it’s like someone has turned on the cock faucet. Dick dick dick everywhere, and not nasty hobo dick, either: it’s a bubbling penis swamp of attractive and successful men. How much dick is too much?

  15. October 5, 2016 at 6:22 am

    Dear Julian How do you measure success ?

    • Julian
      October 14, 2016 at 12:39 pm

      T-roc, one word: Retirement.

  16. Eric burgess
    October 5, 2016 at 2:44 pm

    Dear julian

    My dreams have been crushed,and my family lost their house. im living with my girlfreind, now thank god but, You always seem to be a smart man when it comes to coming up with plans to reform your life to brighter light after things get dark. Where do you recommend I start?

  17. Susan M
    October 5, 2016 at 3:31 pm

    Dear Julian:

    When you were growing up did you ever have a true mentor? Someone who inspired you to see the world in a fresh new way that you were able to build upon?

    If so, who was it? Please explain if it isn’t too personal.

    Thank you.

  18. buff chisle
    October 10, 2016 at 7:00 am

    HAY SMELLIAN! im sorry i didnt wanna start with that but it was the only way to intrigue you, i just got back inside from pissin on the electric bin with my dog and found the butter in the microwave and the rice is still in the fridge, sure im pissed but The fact of the matter is I have 2 scripts of over 300 pages typed of pure gold from the last 8 years of my life. sure im fucked but its been overlooked sober many times I know its worth something i just wanna make the world better in the only way i know how, entertainement. i have commited to no mediocre job ill hate, been through hundreds, everyone wants me to sell out i wont do it. Im better at ranting live than using this idiot computer , I found how to leave this comment by swearing for over 12 minutes straight at your advice store. If fate is real ill hear back from someone , and if not everyone can fuck off ill make it on my own. I would way rather do it knowing you but well see what happens. take it easy from one greasy bastard to another.

  19. October 13, 2016 at 10:52 am

    Dear Julian, we know how Ricky and Bubbles would woo a lady, but what is your approach to charming strippers? And which girlfriend were you most sad about breaking up with?

    • Julian
      October 14, 2016 at 12:41 pm

      Lucy,

      (a) Smile a lot and talk only about them.
      (b) Sarah.

  20. Kota
    October 13, 2016 at 10:37 pm

    Dear Julian I have a disability and it prevents me from working full-time I’m broke as f*** I need to make some scrilla real quick what do you suggest I get my self into I live in seattle

    • Julian
      October 14, 2016 at 12:29 pm

      I recommend prostitution.

      • Kota
        October 14, 2016 at 2:13 pm

        A disable prostitute that is fucked up advice

        • Kota
          October 14, 2016 at 2:24 pm

          I say that laughing

  21. Nathan
    October 14, 2016 at 2:00 pm

    Dear Julian, I am 25 and looking for work since I got laid off any ideas or openings in your line of work from your fan Nathan from kamloops BC canada

  22. Tommy B
    February 11, 2017 at 8:33 pm

    Dear Julian, I’m 26 and am stuck at the same shitty gorcery store job i had when i was in high school, work with old people no one my age and drink on the job to deal with the people. I’m trying to get out of this rut and want to move. What you recommend on staying on the liquor and be positive but not drowning oneself into the shit abyss?

  23. Brendan
    February 23, 2017 at 10:09 pm

    Dear Julian, I got a fuckin cat living in the frame of my mattress, how the fuck do I get him out?!

  24. Wolfman Wolfson
    March 16, 2017 at 3:56 am

    Dear Julian,
    How the fuck are you doing? I recently fell in love with a girl who has been really nice and caring to me. She would give me energy bars when she finds out that I didn’t eat anything for breakfast, and she would massage my back when I’m feeling down and uncomfortable. And she seems to get really happy when I sing. But the thing is we are not close friends, and we don’t have a chance to see each other as often. I’m not sure if she has the “feelings” for me. Is she just being nice? What the hell should I do to make her fall in love with me?

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