It’s September and school is back in session! Two outdoor gonads take us on a schoolyard trip down memory lane on the latest episode of Offworld Cookery!
“Sir” tries to teach “The Boy” a lesson as the two fucks put together a meal worthy of the dog shit caliber of school lunches – fucking fish sticks. But they don’t forget that they are grown up, and they turn milk time and science class into proper adult fuckery with the help of liquor and dope.
PLUS: Once “Sir” has enough of “The Boy,” the two clash in an epic showdown!
On the latest episode of Offworld Cookery, the three Northern English food cocks are paying tribute to a certifiable film icon, Mel Gibson.
Dressed in garb from Braveheart, Mad Max, and Lethal Weapon, the lads prepare a spread of Mel-meals, including haggis-stuffed duck and a molasses-bread cleverly (?) named “Treacle Weapon.”
This cooking expedition is mentored by a beaver from the Mel Gibson film Beaver. And this little beaver is full of fucking vitriol, voiced by the actual raving frothing Mel Gibson himself. What a fucking glum cunt he can be.
Alessandro is fucked now! He’s in handcuffs under the custody of Office Paul Kerry and Judge Chico on the latest episode of Offworld Cookery.
Violent maniac cop Paul whips up a shitty porridge that is still too good for his prisoners. Judge Chico pours a bunch of complicated shit into some weird fucking oven thing and somehow produces a decent pork souffle. Then Alessando, the dead man walking, manages to pull off a dry-but-sweet pan of prison brownies just before his fate is sealed by the judge.
PLUS: If you’ve ever wondered what the blood-alcohol level is on a typical Offworld Cookery filming day, you’re about to find out!
Some people lose a kidney and cry about it. Not Chico. On the latest episode of Offworld Cookery, he’s making the most of a medical emergency by cooking that fucking organ in a steak and kidney pie.
In their ode to hospital food, the OWC dicks are eating meals out of bed pans, chicken soup from piss jugs, and honing their surgery skills with a spirited and profane round of Operation.
GUEST-STARRING: Absinthe and cock rum.
Three brave men (only men, unfortunately no women involved) bravely take to the ACTUAL barren terrain of Antarctica in this harrowing episode of Offworld Cookery.
This vicious expedition tests the limits of Captain Scott and his band of merry masturbating men, as they endure harsh cold, shitty powdered food, and far too many horse-related meals. And a little game of backgammon, just for the fuck of it.
Will they survive the elements? Or will their weird fucking mountain food kill them? Can one die of over-feeding the geese?!
The Offworld Cookery dicks wake up bright and early in the middle of the forest and decide it’s time to throw together a proper English breakfast (though this fucking meal has enough rum and dope in it to pass as a Sunnyvale breakfast)!
Along with breakfast, the lads cleanse their face holes for your amusement, and they abuse the legendary croissant, mocking its fucked continental origins. We see how the sausage is made, and we catch a glimpse of an extremely dangerous-looking outdoor oven.
PLUS: What is an ‘unholy lasagna of the netherworld,’ and what does it taste like?!
It’s been two years since we’ve seen these dicks on SwearNet, but Offworld Cookery is back with a new season! And in the season premiere, Paul, Chico, and Alessandro actually have a fucking table this time!
The food cocks from Northern England have transformed themselves into a pack of posh cunts with a stunning menu that brings fine dining to the great outdoors. Take a delightful romp through the some of the finest fresh spring flavours imaginable, including lobster, monkfish, and lemon jizz!
Stay tuned til the end – these fine English gentleman seem to misplace their manners and things turn ugly!
Praise be, we have a special Offworld Cookery episode for you – and this one is FUCKED!!! This week, Jesus Christ Himself (or it might be Chico in a shit wig) cooks a heavenly feast with the aid of holy wine, a burning bush, and a traditional Roman dick spoon!
If you pray hard enough to God/Jesus/Santa, there might be more Offworld Cookery adventures coming to swearnet.com in the future….
It’s the final episode in the first FUCKED season of Offworld Cookery at SwearNet! This week: feast like a fucking barbarian in Ancient Britain, and learn how to make goat leg stew and shit soup. Yum fucking yum!
What culinary crap would you like to see the Offworld Cookery morons attempt to make in future episodes? Let us know!