Alessandro is fucked now! He’s in handcuffs under the custody of Office Paul Kerry and Judge Chico on the latest episode of Offworld Cookery.
Violent maniac cop Paul whips up a shitty porridge that is still too good for his prisoners. Judge Chico pours a bunch of complicated shit into some weird fucking oven thing and somehow produces a decent pork souffle. Then Alessando, the dead man walking, manages to pull off a dry-but-sweet pan of prison brownies just before his fate is sealed by the judge.
PLUS: If you’ve ever wondered what the blood-alcohol level is on a typical Offworld Cookery filming day, you’re about to find out!
The Offworld Cookery dicks wake up bright and early in the middle of the forest and decide it’s time to throw together a proper English breakfast (though this fucking meal has enough rum and dope in it to pass as a Sunnyvale breakfast)!
Along with breakfast, the lads cleanse their face holes for your amusement, and they abuse the legendary croissant, mocking its fucked continental origins. We see how the sausage is made, and we catch a glimpse of an extremely dangerous-looking outdoor oven.
PLUS: What is an ‘unholy lasagna of the netherworld,’ and what does it taste like?!
It’s been two years since we’ve seen these dicks on SwearNet, but Offworld Cookery is back with a new season! And in the season premiere, Paul, Chico, and Alessandro actually have a fucking table this time!
The food cocks from Northern England have transformed themselves into a pack of posh cunts with a stunning menu that brings fine dining to the great outdoors. Take a delightful romp through the some of the finest fresh spring flavours imaginable, including lobster, monkfish, and lemon jizz!
Stay tuned til the end – these fine English gentleman seem to misplace their manners and things turn ugly!
Praise be, we have a special Offworld Cookery episode for you – and this one is FUCKED!!! This week, Jesus Christ Himself (or it might be Chico in a shit wig) cooks a heavenly feast with the aid of holy wine, a burning bush, and a traditional Roman dick spoon!
If you pray hard enough to God/Jesus/Santa, there might be more Offworld Cookery adventures coming to swearnet.com in the future….
It’s the final episode in the first FUCKED season of Offworld Cookery at SwearNet! This week: feast like a fucking barbarian in Ancient Britain, and learn how to make goat leg stew and shit soup. Yum fucking yum!
What culinary crap would you like to see the Offworld Cookery morons attempt to make in future episodes? Let us know!
Sacré-fuckin-bleu! In this week’s Offworld Cookery, Chico and Paul do absolutely fuck all for Anglo-French relations as they attempt to create a meat feast fit for Napoleon – in the fucking rain!
Today at SwearNet, we ask: what do vegetarians look like? And what the fuck do they eat? The Offworld Cookery team investigates, with a little help from a bottle of cider and some fucking terrible music!
There’s greasy cheeseburger love-in at SwearNet today! In the latest episode of Offworld Cookery, English tossers Chico and Paul attempt to cook a fucking magical 4th of July feast. Expect liquor, blood, and lots of SHIT mustard….
Are there any outdoor foods you’d like to see the boys try not to fuck up? Let us know!
Holy fuck, there’s only 247 days to Christmas! Make sure you’re fully prepared by watching Offworld Cookery’s masterclass on cooking a totally not shit Xmas dinner!