Alright dicks, the SwearNet crew is going to be hungover as fuck for the first part of January, but as soon as the fog lifts, we’ll be filming new episodes of all your favourite SwearNet shows!
If you have a problem for 2017 that needs solving, let us know by commenting below. Julian (or maybe even Ricky and Bubbles) will be happy to sort you the fuck out!
Got a plan to change your life in 2017? Looking for advice on sticking to a New Year’s resolution? Want to have gorgeous muscles yet still drink rum all day? Send your questions our way!
Dear Julian, for several months now my ex has been having me take our son every weekend all weekend instead of just the one night. I also have him through the week a couple times. He loves coming here for the weekends and I like him here too. The problem is she is able to go out and meet people while I am home with him every weekend. How do I get some weekends for me without hurting the little guy?
You tell yer ex to sit TF down & STFU. Then, explain to her that she will be tell’in the child that; “Mommy wants you for this weekend, or that weekend.” Then you, the Dad say: “That will be okay, Moms can have you for some weekends here, or there.” “We love you & share you on all the different days.” Then you never need to explain to the kid that you really need to get the fuck out for a bit.
Unless, by ” without hurting the little guy”, you’re saying that she’s gonna be like; I’ll kick you in the dick, if you try to put the kid on this weekend! If that is the case? Then, you’e on your own, because I thought you were talking about the kid, which is actually important
Dear Julian,
I have an XMAS Baby on the way and have a predicament. I must slow it down on the dope or quit altogether. How do I go from being a 3-4 gram a day smoker to quitting totally? I already quit the cigrits recently and the liquor. The dope is the only thing holding it all together! If I remove it will everything crumble and a massive shit tide sweep over the Holidays and I be back on the smokes & liquor once again? What should I do? Thanks bud
Dear Julian, I was recently put on total disability. It’s enough money to get by, and I love being able to go out to any show and have all the time in the world for whatever. Problem is, I’m not used to just getting by financially, and I hate not having goals and people to work with. I’ve been offered a pretty greasy deal to co-operate an S&M studio, which could be totally $$$ under the table and good exercise to boot. On the other hand, I’m not so sure about breaking all of those laws and am considering flipping the bird to my disabled status and going to nursing school instead. Should I take it easy, find ways to ease my guilt over doing fuckall, and keep cashing that disability check, beat up/mindfuck people who are asking for it and risk getting in trouble, or go into debt so I can work with psych patients?
Dear Julian,
I give piano lessons during the winter months to make a little extra cash. I’m currently teaching a 16 year old girl who’s mother insists upon her learning the fundamentals of the piano as an extra curricular activity. This young lady has no interest in playing piano whatsoever, and half way through the second lesson she began flirting with me hardcore. I did my best to ignore it, but she made her intentions very clear when I arrived for the 3rd lesson by rubbing my shoulders and kissing my neck. Yea, it’s pretty fekn hot, but i’m not stupid. My question is – should I tell her mother about this before I bail out of this lesson completely, or should I just make up some bogus excuse before I bail the fek out? Thanks bud, Happy Holidays ~ Cheers.
Dear Julian: I’m a nice enough gal who got fucked in the ass hard by 2016, and now I’m ready for a fresh start in 2017. Only problem is, I have some really ungrateful ass family standing in my way, particularly a really selfish as fuck younger sister, who almost made me lose my fucking job last Thanksgiving because she didn’t want to help me out, and a niece that’s this close to getting the taste slapped out of her mouth for disrespecting me. And don’t even get me fucking started on my mother… I go out of my way for these people, and they don’t even appreciate the stuff I do for them. I love them, but I’m at the point where I’m gonna catch a case if they keep fucking around with me.
If you had a family as fucked up as this, Julian, what would you do? I await your answer. In the meantime, I’m getting drunk as fuck!
Family:
F.ucked A.ss M.uttonheads I. L.ove Y.early!
Ignore them until next Christmas, let them see how hollow their lives are without you and how fucked they are as humans all year, let them wallow in their own shit! Check in on them next year and if the shit continues then you can re-classify them as R.E.A.L.A.T.I.V.E.S! I speak to this as I have a brother and sister still alive and we are on the 5 year plan. ITs called Siblings! I check to see if they are still alive every 5 years!
Dear Julian,
What advice do yo have to help to a person stick to a new years resolution?
Cheers, Michelle
Dear Julian- It gets really cold around these parts during winter and especially xmas since i spend all on money on christmas presents for myself (liquor) so theres not much left for the heat bill- Do you have any tips for a guy with no money, so his dick wont fall off in this extreme cold? Thanks trom Pepdo
dear julian
Like yourself i like a drink every now and then
And like most people i need to get around town and driving is the most comfortable
But an accident is always waiting to happen and when it does there will be a shitstorm coming if they find out you’ve been drinking
So, if i get in to a accident while drinking, what should i do?
Should i punch the other guy to the ground and run like fuck or should i wait for the cops to come and take my chances and hope the cop it as fucking stupid as George Green?
how do you deal with that?
Dear Julian.
I’m a fouled mouthed fucking Chimney Sweep. Every year after Christmas, Shopping Mall Santas don’t know what to do with themselves and start fucking crawling into chimneys and shit. Should I pull them out or just light a fire to teach those fuckers a lesson ? Any advice would be helpful.
Thanks,
Darren
Hey what’s up.
Every year around this time I say I’m going to avoid Dickish people. I say that I’m going to start off the first day of every new year just doing me and what the fuck I love to do. But sure enough that next hungover morning from partying are asses off on new years you go outside get that fresh air smell, fucking yawn if you have to. But you look to your fucking right and you got a Dick right the fuck there. So I guess this fucking question should be is How in the fuck do you avoid Dick fucking neighbors ?
Dear Julian, my neighbours house looks like christmas threw up on it, I would have no problem with except they do not remove the decorations until around May the following year. how can I make this fucktard take it all down once christmas is over?
Dear Julian, recently I’ve been contemplating moving my family closer to Canada. Massachusetts sounds good, considering they’re getting their head out of their asses on legalization of cannabis. Ultimately, we’d love to move to Canada so we can escape the impending insanity AKA Dickled Trumpleforeskin. I’ve already done some of the homework required to pass the citizenship test, as well. Which province has the best healthcare plans in your opinion? If you’re not sure, then maybe you could tell me which strain of cannabis is your favorite? P.S. Going nuts waiting for season 11. You guys fucking rock!!
Dear Julian, when are you dicks going to swing out to Humboldt County, California??? You really should. When you are ready, let me know.
Dear Julian.
How the fuck can i make a life supply of cash by the end of 2017, when i live in fucking Norway for fuck sakes??
Question for Ricky: What do you do When you have All the shit for growing but no place to grow/ Best places to grow weed and not get caught 😀 Much obliged
Out in the open :p
Dear Julian, What if you don’t believe in the “New Year’s Resolution” thing, but can’t find a better day of the year to leave the bullshit behind and be a little less greasy? Is there a better day to do this? Thanks pal 🙂
Dear Julian, Do you have any advice for celebrating the New Year’s holiday? When we were kids, my parents used to throw a huge party and get the whole family together at our house on New Year’s Day. Our cousins live in different parts of the US, so it’s a bit harder to get everyone together. Last New Year’s, we had a few friends over, shared some drinks, watched Russian car accidents on YouTube and put bar soap in the microwave. While it was fun, we want to figure out a better way to celebrate New Years, preferably one that doesn’t break the microwave. Many thanks!!
Dear Julian-
I need to find a hot Canadian guy to marry me so I can get a green card & move the fuck outta the US before an orange assclown is sworn in as president. What’s the best way to convince my new guy that I’m his dream gal – drive lotsa rum and cokes or lotsa weed and mushrooms into him or all three?
Dear Julian, Ok, Christmas is over, and those fucking Elves are just hanging about doing nothing!! So I was thinking that we can get a contract with them, and rent them out to kids, to cover for them in school. Kids will pay the fuck up…if they can get out of school!! It would be win-win-win, The kids get out of school, the fucking lazy ass Elves get put to work, and I make money!
So, what type of Contractual Agreement do you think I need to draw up? And would you be interested in partnering up…for a (Somewhat close) to 30% take?
Dear Julian, happy new year bud. I took your last advice, thanks, but I’ve got an even bigger problem. I banged this chick I work with and had some anal for about 35 seconds when she shat all over me. I didn’t mind it at the time, in fact I thought it was kinda hot but every time I work with this girl she acts all weird and awkward around me. she Doesn’t like talking to me and even moved her office 3 inches to the left from me. Should I tell her its not a big deal and get some slopppy seconds from her again, or should I let her be all creeped out and act awkward at me, because I also find that hot and sexy. It’s A big turn on when they run and hide. What should I do Julian???
Dear Julian, I’ve become sexually attracted to just about everyone and every thing. From Street Lights to the local Burger Kings customer. I was jailed and the prison Catholic Doctor told me I had a disorder and a disease called Sexual Addiction after my episode in the mens prison shower room. I want to bang everyone but I dont want it to be a disorder. Should I try and cure my sexual addiction and raise awareness?? because just on my way to the market, I banged a hobo, a fire hydrant and a senior citizen. What Should I do Julian? im beginning to fuck my screen. Hhfhf hfhfhf hrhhdd hfhdhhf hfhfhdh
Try going and fucking yourself! No waiting, no need to go anywhere and if you can learn to lick your own balls, well then you would not have any issues, a-dic-tions or dic-orders, just a sore neck and a smile!
Will you help get an exhibition space in canada for a big tpb fine art exhibition – i do loads of pics of you guys every week on swearnet – i basically dream of meeting you guys at the private viewing. Much love, rob mcshane
Dear Julian, I have learnt a lot about drinking from watching TPB and Dear Julian. I have been practicing pacing myself and although I may never be as good as you, I’m getting there. I need your expert advice on purchasing Rum. Here in the states a handle of Captain is $32. A couple of those a week gets expensive and the girl-friend starts bitching. Any advice on alternatives that don’t taste like shit? I prefer spiced Rum. Thanks for all you do bud. Zach from Pennsylvania.
Dear Julian,
My country is fucked! Donald Trump is going to get us all killed with his man baby temper tantrums. I’m thinking about immigrating to Canada. I visited Vancouver and Edmonton last week, would you recommend Moving to Halifax? I’m not too fucked, and generous with the rum and cokes.
Thank you, and good luck getting the Dirty Dancer going again,
Roswell
Dear Julian,
I know this is something you have some history with and can speak to:
I found out I have a kid from an old girlfriend and the kid is old enough she is getting married and wants me to walk her down the isle. Yea, I know it’s my kid, and have been around a bit getting to know her, she does not know I am her dad yet and is asking me to walk her down the isle as I am the best male role model she knows? Do I tell her before the wedding I am her dad or save it until she ask’s if I am her dad? What the fuck do I tell my other 4 kids ages 14- 31 and new wife? She happened 25 years ago!
Screwed in Cleveland!
Thanks
Dear Julian
Do you think you guys would ever come to Oregon an do a show there?
Dear Julian,
My younger brother has been bitching about how his fucking joy smothering wife does not want him hanging out with me anymore because I am a bad influence on him and he never gets to have fun anymore.
So I took him out to the tittie club one night and got so hammered my cop friends working the night shift had to give us a ride back home. We spent money, felt tits and got some lap dances. The next day my brother is pissed at me because his wife found a stack of 2 dollar bills in his pocket and the neighbors told her the cops brought him home at 3 am and knew I took him to the tittie club.
Julian, my question is how is this my fault?
From your cop fan from South Carolina in the USA.
Dear Julian
Donald Trump is turning America into a 3rd world country with all this EPA, and Medicaid bullshit. Do you have any advice on how to frame him for a crime to get that racist bigot impeached.
Dear Julian,
I’m sure I’m not the first person to notice that you, Ricky and Bubbles look identical to the Sweardicks. Have you ever thought about using this to your advantage? Maybe run up a bar tab under J.P Tremblay’s name or Ricky could knock over a liquor store and be like, “Hey, you’ve just been robbed by Robb Wells!” Might be an opportunity for some greasy cash there boys. Just a thought.
Deert Julian.
So… Fuck my tits… i have this little issue i need advice with. I was out back of this steak joint taking a piss when no fucking bullshit, i looked behind the dumpster and i saw 2 guys fucking a another guy dressed as a donkley. Fuck what was i going to ask anyways… i need a joint. Oh yea the one guy had a fucking swearnet hoodie on and i could swear to fuck the other guy was cyrus. Anyways back to the advice. Is it strange i felt my bird do this? o==>
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(thats a fucked up cock at the bottom)