Tag Archive for Offworld Cookery

Welcome to Offworld Cookery, a tragic outdoor food spasm following three inebriated English morons, and their attempts at cooking meals in the wilderness!

New on swearnet.com – Offworld Cookery Celebrates HALLOWEEN!

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The Offworld Cookery dicks are dressed like witches for Halloween

What can make the scariest day of the year even more frightening?  How about three weird food cocks attempting to dress up in Halloween costumes?  Horrid outfits are just once of the many spooky aspects of the special Halloween edition of Offworld Cookery!

The ghoulish pricks put together a three-course meal of “OJ Simpson’s Gingerbread Glove” (which tastes like pure guilt), “Witches Brew” (served in the skulls of their enemies), and “Papa Shango’s Halloween Mangos” (which contain no actual mangos).

It wouldn’t be Halloween without a bit of pumpkin carving, “spell fights,” and crystal balls!  And fucked up food cooked in the outdoors!

 

New on swearnet.com – School Dinners

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Two dicks dressed up like school boys for SwearNet!

It’s September and school is back in session!  Two outdoor gonads take us on a schoolyard trip down memory lane on the latest episode of Offworld Cookery!

“Sir” tries to teach “The Boy” a lesson as the two fucks put together a meal worthy of the dog shit caliber of school lunches – fucking fish sticks.  But they don’t forget that they are grown up, and they turn milk time and science class into proper adult fuckery with the help of liquor and dope.

PLUS: Once “Sir” has enough of “The Boy,” the two clash in an epic showdown!

New on swearnet.com – Fuckin Glum Cunt

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the offworld cookery cocks dressed up like mel gibson characters

On the latest episode of Offworld Cookery, the three Northern English food cocks pay tribute to a certifiable film icon, Mel Gibson.

Dressed in garb from Braveheart, Mad Max, and Lethal Weapon, the lads prepare a spread of Mel-meals, including haggis-stuffed duck and a molasses-bread cleverly (?) named “Treacle Weapon.”

This cooking expedition is mentored by a beaver from the Mel Gibson film Beaver.  And this little beaver is full of fucking vitriol, voiced by the actual raving frothing Mel Gibson himself.  What a fucking glum cunt he can be.

New on swearnet.com – Law and Order

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Officer Paul checks Alessandro's prison jump suit for semen with the aid of a black light

Alessandro is fucked now!  He’s in handcuffs, under the custody of Officer Paul Kerry and Judge Chico on the latest episode of Offworld Cookery.

Violent maniac cop Paul whips up a shitty porridge that is still too good for his prisoners.  Judge Chico pours a bunch of complicated shit into some weird fucking oven thing, and somehow produces a decent pork souffle. Then Alessando, the dead man walking, manages to pull off a dry-but-sweet pan of prison brownies just before his fate is sealed by the judge.

PLUS: If you’ve ever wondered what the blood-alcohol level is on a typical Offworld Cookery filming day, you’re about to find out!

 

New on swearnet.com – Hospital Food

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Chico holds his kidney and prepares to cook it

Some people lose a kidney and cry about it.  Not Chico.  On the latest episode of Offworld Cookery, he’s making the most of a medical emergency by cooking that fucking organ in a steak and kidney pie.

In their ode to hospital food, the OWC dicks are eating meals out of bed pans, chicken soup from piss jugs, and honing their surgery skills with a spirited and profane round of Operation.

GUEST-STARRING: Absinthe and cock rum.

New on swearnet.com – Explorers

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The Offworld Cookery dicks explore barren terrain on SwearNet

Three brave men (only men, unfortunately no women involved) bravely take to the ACTUAL barren terrain of Antarctica in this harrowing episode of Offworld Cookery.

This vicious expedition tests the limits of Captain Scott and his band of merry masturbating men, as they endure harsh cold, shitty powdered food, and far too many horse-related meals.  And a little game of backgammon, just for the fuck of it.

Will they survive the elements?  Or will their weird fucking mountain food kill them?  Can one die of over-feeding the geese?!

New on swearnet.com – Full English Breakfast

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The Offworld Coockery dicks head into the woods!

The Offworld Cookery dicks wake up bright and early in the middle of the forest and decide it’s time to throw together a proper English breakfast (though this fucking meal has enough rum and dope in it to pass as a Sunnyvale breakfast)!

Along with breakfast, the lads cleanse their face holes for your amusement, and abuse the legendary croissant, mocking its fucked continental origins.  We see how a sausage is made, and we catch a glimpse of an extremely dangerous-looking outdoor oven.

PLUS: What is an ‘unholy lasagna of the netherworld,’ and what does it taste like?!

New on swearnet.com – Offworld Cookery Returns!

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The Offworld Cookery dicks have a table this time!

It’s been two years since we’ve seen these dicks on SwearNet, but Offworld Cookery is back with a new season!  And in the season premiere, Paul, Chico, and Alessandro actually have a fucking table this time!

The food cocks from Northern England have transformed themselves into a pack of posh cunts with a stunning menu that brings fine dining to the great outdoors.  Take a delightful romp through the some of the finest fresh spring flavours imaginable, including lobster, monkfish, and lemon jizz!

Stay tuned til the end – these fine English gentleman seem to misplace their manners and things turn ugly!

New at swearnet.com: Holy fuck, it’s the Offworld Cookery special!

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Offworld Cookery at SwearNetPraise be, we have a special Offworld Cookery episode for you – and this one is FUCKED!!! This week, Jesus Christ Himself (or it might be Chico in a shit wig) cooks a heavenly feast with the aid of holy wine, a burning bush, and a traditional Roman dick spoon!

If you pray hard enough to God/Jesus/Santa, there might be more Offworld Cookery adventures coming to swearnet.com in the future….